Tuesday, November 3, 2009 | By: Tonya Keitt Kalule

Surprising Source of Anxiety

In less than two weeks I will be under going surgery. I am a little nervous about it all because I have never been in need of a major surgery. I have always been in excellent health. I am still in pretty good health but the body is getting older and in obvious need of some repair. The anxiety of the surgery is not what is most overwhelming, it is actually not being in control of the circumstances surrounding the surgery. I will need someone to be here to cook for me, to clean my house, and to even help me to take a shower. These are all things that we take for granted, at least those of us that have always been able to do these things for ourselves.

My anxiety is actually coming from having to depend on someone else for my basic needs. I realized just how much of a control person I really am. No I am not surprised, but I never thought that my not having total control of ME for even a short period of time would cause such stress.
I must say that I am very fortunate to have a friend of thirty years that volunteered to come out to Los Angeles and make sure that I am taken care of for two weeks. This also relieved my parents from having to come out here from Georgia. My daughter of course wants to come but she is in her last year of college and she needs to take care of finishing that degree. Furthermore this surgery is major but not a matter of life and death, and I will be in good hands.

The idea that I will not be able to do anything for myself is frustrating. Also I have no control over anything, not how my food is cooked, how my house is cleaned, or anything that I use to be in control of. This is funny to a great deal of people and I am starting to find the humor in it all myself, but it was a cause of serious anxiety for me.

I had to just convince myself that none of these things are more important than my health and I am very fortunate to have a friend that loves me enough to leave her family and fly over a thousand miles on her dime to care for me. How do you ever repay that?

Maybe I have earned this kind of loyalty in my friendship but I don't think that it has much to do with me but everything to do with her and who she is as a woman. I guess she loves me and I am thankful for that love.


Carmen said...

I think the idea of handing control to someone else has deep roots in parental units. When you are a kid and teeneager, you have to follow the rules of your parental units-until you moved out and became "grown". So giving that control over to someone else is scary because you depend on them for everything like parents. But it will be fun, because you are being taken care of by a great friend. So dont forget to pull out all the fun games to play.

Tonya Keitt Kalule said...

Thanks for your comment Carmen, I am sure we will find ways to have fun. As matter of fact this friend and I have plenty of things to laugh about, but unfortunately laughing is not what I want to do in the aftermath of this surgery, because this is one of those times when it hurts to laugh.
So we will try to refrain from anything comical or emotional.
I get a good feeling that she is going to double up on medication so I will sleep longer so she can explore LA. We have already laughed about that. To prove my point she has already signed up for a marathon not far from my house on Thanksgiving Day.

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