Tuesday, September 29, 2009 | By: Tonya Keitt Kalule

I Escaped in a Clown Car. Did You?

There are often times when we want to escape something and/or someone in our lives and are not often careful how we escape. We imagine our method of escape has to be better than what we are escaping from. I was once in this situation. My daughter had gone off to college and I felt both physically and emotionally exhausted. This exhaustion was because for eighteen years I was a single parent. Trying to be everything to her, the provider, the mother, the father, and the friend. On top of that being, being a single mother in the workforce brings on yet another set of challenges. Even though that little person brings so much joy to your life, it is a responsibility like no other, quite a heavy responsibility.

I didn't realize that throughout these eighteen years this weight was breaking me down year after year, and in that last year I felt as though I lost all control and things truly started to fall apart. I let my daughter down as well as myself. The problem was, I had no idea the effect this all had on my emotional state, and we all know this stress can manifest itself physically.

About a year later, I met this man that I liked, more than all the others. He was the first man that I felt I could truly be myself with. He appeared to appreciate me for who I was and not wanting me to be something different or do something different.

Not having to worry about the drama of bringing a man in the house with my daughter, since she was off at college, and not having to worry about any of this affecting her life directly, I married this man and moved out to California.
I saw so many warning signs before the marriage, but it was obviously the only escape option that was presented to me at the time, so I stayed blind to the warning signs. I was in a place, an emotional low, that I was oblivious to, and therefore allowed a great deal of things to occur in my life that I would not have allowed otherwise.

So I escaped to California.

I just wished that I had escaped in a more stable, more solid, more mechanically tuned car, instead, I escaped in a clown car. So I climbed 'UP' into this clown car and went for this ride. Now we all know how low to the ground a clown car is, and to have to climb up means that I was pretty low.

While on this journey I saw Fords, Chryslers, BMW's, etc, and I wanted one of those. I realized my mode of transportation for what it was, a Clown Car, and I started to work on this clown car, patching it here and there, trying to make it into something that it was not meant to be.

Finally, I realized the the only thing to do was get rid of this car and the only thing that I could change was me . This clown car has since been junked, but I became attached to it, merely because it helped me escape an area and a life that was suffocating me. At that very moment my world opened up. I was not the least bit interested in replacing this car, I would rather walk. That is exactly what I did. Then I started to run, and now I can fly.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that we are exactly where we are suppose to be at any given time. These times were for my own growth. Preparation for something bigger and better, a breakdown so to speak, that took me to a place of humility, and for all of it I am grateful.


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